why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize