Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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