"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
