i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I wear drunk well.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
