Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
