We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
