Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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