im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
