The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
