I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
