I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize