She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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