i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
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