I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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