I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
