I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
