Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
