my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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