Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Let's get the cat blown out
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
