maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
