Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
