just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
