we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
