I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
