From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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