you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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