Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
