What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
