it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
