Whod you bang
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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