I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
