i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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