there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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