I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
