fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
