Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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