pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
