I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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