I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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