I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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