I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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