Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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