He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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