I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
