I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
