Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
