her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
