She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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