This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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