You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Randomize
