Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
