she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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