did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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