did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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