this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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