i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
