i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
