do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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