id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
