I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
