i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
