is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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