Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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